The Stigma Around Consensual Nonmonogamy

Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) is when a person engages in sexual activity with someone outside of their relationship with their partner’s consent. CNM relationship styles vary greatly based on the individuals involved. They can include anything from having sex in the same room as others, to don’t-ask-don’t-tell situations like hall passes and “anything goes in different zip codes,” to swinging and open relationships that are more about sex than connection, to non-labeled open relationships, to “relationship anarchy” where there are little to no rules, to polyamory where both sex and lasting connection are part of the equation . . . the list of CNM styles goes on and on.

The majority of cultural representations of family life and romance generally involve monogamous partnerships, and CNM relationships are often depicted as messy or unstable. This stigma has caused those partaking in CNM to keep quiet for fear of being judged or ridiculed. But here’s the thing: most of the negative sentiment is based on outdated, discriminatory, and simply inaccurate assumptions about CNM—not to mention an unconscious bias towards monogamy as the gold standard for relationships (especially in the US). But recently, more people have been taking a closer look at non-conventional forms of romance and sex. Recent research has revealed that many individuals in various forms of CNM are doing very well—and even flourishing.

With a growing awareness of these outdated stereotypes, society will hopefully continue to become more accepting of the diversity of relationship styles. Dr. Tammy Nelson, author of The New Monogamy and Open Monogamy, points out that both monogamy AND nonmonogamy can mean different things to different people. Is watching porn or having cybersex or webcam sex breaking your monogamy agreement, or is it considered safe and within the confines of your relational boundaries? If it is included, does that make you monogamous or non-monogamous? And what about flirting, hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, massaging, or even masturbating with or around other people? Everyone has their definition of what being monogamous means to them. Hence, it’s crucial to have conversations about it with your partner(s).

You can outline what kind of relationship dynamic you want and discuss boundaries and how to define them. Determine what to do if there is a shift in boundaries and consider the best way to make these difficult conversations ongoing, open, and easy. In truth, many people love or need newness. Some of these individuals may want it with one partner, while others want it with more than one partner. Similarly, some want nonmonogamy to fulfill certain needs that are not available with their partner—for example, when one person is really into BDSM while their life partner is not, or when partners have differing desires or ability levels. Also, for many folks, distance can be an issue, and when they’re living in different locations, sharing intimacy outside of the relationship makes sense to them. Other people seek out nonmonogamy as an opportunity for both individual and relational expansion because they find experiences with different people to summon more vibrance, aliveness, and a deeper connection with parts of themselves they had never experienced before. The most important part of this equation is, whatever the reason or method, the choice to break from monogamy is openly discussed and mutually agreed upon as a satisfying course of action for all parties involved.

One Person Cannot Meet All of Your Needs

For much of history, marriage had a pragmatic social function. It ensured economic stability and social cohesion and was based not on choice but rather on rules and obligations. People modeled their relationships by what they saw from their parents or members of their community. But in modern times, that paradigm has shifted. Now, most individuals (hopefully) can negotiate with their partner about what matters in life—like where you want to live, if you want to have children, or even when to have children. The choices are endless. Esther Perel’s work emphasizes that (spoiler alert!) you truly cannot have everything you need in your life from one person. No one person will always be able to fulfill your every need, be your best friend, passionate lover, trusted confidant(e), dependable, predictable, and still supply you with mystery, excitement, and adventure. It’s virtually impossible considering the different minds, bodies, upbringings, histories, and so much more at play between every individual. While it’s helpful to be in a relationship with someone where your core values are aligned, you cannot seek out or expect one person to fulfill your every need for the long haul.

It can be beneficial to ask yourself a few questions about your relationship nonnegotiable, such as: What needs feel crucial to be met specifically within your current relationship container? What needs or desires can be met elsewhere? Can the idea of having more variety in adventurous experiences expand beyond your partnership? Are you willing to try new activities, such as joining a book club focusing on erotic novels, checking out a clothing-optional spa or retreat, or going out dancing to engage with others in a connective and even intimate way? Once again, the decision is entirely up to you. Within the container of consensual monogamy, each of these questions also optimally involves a larger conversation with your partner.

For more information on nonmonogamy, check out the books: Opening Up and The Ethical Slut.