It is Party Season: Demystifying Sex Parties and Making Your Own Rules

What is a Sex Party?

Hey y’all, the idea of going to any kind of sex party might seem five million times intense to newcomers, but they are often perfect places for the shy-but-curious to expand their sexual horizons. We are all about celebrating sexual well-being as healthy and positive, and these events are just one big, enthusiastic way to do that!

Myth-Busting the Basics

All right, so let’s get direct and non-euphemistic. A sex party (sometimes called a “play party” in BDSM circles) is generally understood to mean a private or semi-public event where guests are allowed to engage in sexual activity with one another, often in full view of other guests.

The best part? It’s a total misconception that all attendees are required to have sex. You get to make your own rules! Many people go as voyeurs, out of curiosity, or show up fully intending to get it on, only to change their minds when they arrive. 

Whether you’re planning to team up with a partner or explore on your own, you deserve great sex, and these parties are specifically intended to help their attendees out with that shame-free pleasure.

Before You Go: Assembling Your Toolkit 

 Here's how to prep:

1. Find the Right Venue.

Maybe you’ve wanted to hit up a sex party for a while, but you aren’t sure where to go. Most big cities have clubs that cater to multiple price points and sexualities, and plenty host special events for first-timers.

Search Smart: Try searching online for “swinger” or “adult” parties and clubs in your city—plus “LGBTQ,” if that’s you—to see what’s out there. This is sometimes necessary because some places legally cannot explicitly advertise sex.

Do Your Research: Check if the places you find have guest safety policies and if they’re in key with your boundaries. Look for public reviews on Google, Yelp, and Facebook to get a general sense of the scene and the different events they offer.

The Membership Card: Generally, even the more lax states require clubs to be private, meaning everyone attending needs to be a member. (I have a growing collection of membership cards for places I’ve visited once, making for a killer page in my scrapbook.)

If a big crowd isn’t your scene, you can join online communities like FetLife to find smaller parties. What type of environment do you want to find yourself in? What are your sexual fantasies, or your desires?

2. Go Solo, or Bring a Babe.

A reputable club or larger party can feel safer if you’re going alone. Which you might be! It could be that you want to open yourself up more to meeting other singles, or you just don’t know anybody who you’re comfortable enough asking. When I’m checking out a new club, I abide by my first-date rule: I tell a friend I trust that I’ll be out all night and where I’ll be, so they can check in with me the morning after and make sure I made it home all right.

Partner Play: Bringing a partner is amazing too! Enjoying the voyeuristic energy together can be a turn-on for you both and can help open you up to novelty and sexual exploration.

3. Set Firm Boundaries for Yourself.

This is the most critical step in your personal tool kit. At every party, I have my soft boundaries (things I may only be into, depending on the general atmosphere) and hard boundaries (things that are completely off limits). Knowing your boundaries helps you communicate with other folks confidently by simply telling guests: “I don’t do that,” or “I’ll see how I feel later.”

Partner Check-in: If you’re bringing a partner, talk about emotions that may come up, such as jealousy, and how to deal with it. Identify ways that you can take care of your needs and be supportive of one another. Maybe you’re okay with your partner having sex with other people, as long as they check in with you regularly. Come up with some ground rules, and keep the lines of communication open with each other once you’re there.

4. Dress Decently.

You don’t have to get naked (or even take off your jacket) at sex parties! But it's nice to dress up a little for the sake of other attendees: Wearing laundry-day sweatpants can be a mood-killer when other people are trying to get their freak on.

Need a Vibe? For general events, a slip dress, floor-length robe, or lingerie is a good gateway look for beginners.

What to Do (and Avoid Doing) at a Sex Party

These are your rules for making sure the experience is full of shame-free pleasure.

1. Respect is Paramount.

Nobody is entitled to sex, not even at a club designated for it, and paying the cover fee is not a guarantee that you will get laid. Be extra gentle with each other.

Ask Once: Get permission before touching anyone. A quick, flirty, “Can I touch you here?” is the way to go. If somebody says no, you cannot ask again.

Don’t Jump In: Don’t join other people’s hookups unless you’ve been specifically invited to. If you’re watching, stay back far enough as not to interfere, and be prepared to politely back up if they ask you to.

BDSM is Serious: Do not butt into an active BDSM scene. It can be dangerous to break the participants’ concentration.

2. Don’t Get Wasted.

You want to be in control of your faculties to be able to consent with what’s going on around you. Getting sloppy drunk does not make for a good time. Likewise, don’t hook up with people who are clearly wasted.

3. Feel Free to Decline Propositions.

If you're used to having to avoid a guy at a bar who won't take no for an answer, that shit will generally not fly at a sex club. The first time I went to a big party on my own, a man came up and asked, “Excuse me—may I please give you a foot rub?” I replied, “No, thank you,” and he walked away and left me alone for the rest of the night. It was that simple!

4. Communicate Your Boundaries Before You Hook Up.

Sex can mean so many different things for different people. Before any hookup up you should make sure you and the other person are on the same page. Are you into dirty talk? Is it important for you to leave your underwear on? Do you have a safe word? What are both of your hard and soft limits? Again, having this conversation can be as hot as it is important.

5. Advocate for Yourself.

You are not obligated to be sexual. You have the right to stop sex or a scene at any point. You don’t have to explain your reasons, even to yourself, if you’re just not feeling something. I promise, even the wildest, most outgoing-seeming people have their limits.

Take a Break: There’s no shame in needing a break from the action if you start to feel overwhelmed. Don’t be shy to ask your host if there is a quiet spot where you can rest or regroup.

6. Practice Safer Sex.

Every party I’ve been to has had readily accessible condoms and lube available, but it never hurts to bring some from home for backup. It’s also important to bring your own (clean!) sex toys.

Get Tested: If you’re single and having sex, or non-monogamous, you should be getting tested regularly. No ifs, ands, or buts.

All of this is to say: you are a hyper-qualified-enough sex-haver to hit up a sex party or club, because the only true qualifications are to be respectful and open.

Ready to Explore?

Whether you're exploring butt stuff with a new partner or exploring a new party scene, the heart of sexual well-being is about defining pleasure on your own terms. All consensual sex is good sex, and that includes your experience at a party.

Want to level up your toolkit before you slide into the next event? Find out more by listening to Shameless Sex Podcast #392: What You Could Learn From Sex Parties

With pleasure,

Amy + the PPS team